For a large part of my life, I was outward focused.
Career. Money. Experiences. People. Travel. Things to do. Things to achieve.
There was always something next. And to be clear, I don't think there was anything wrong with any of it. I enjoyed it. I still enjoy many of those things.
But somewhere along the way, a very simple question started bothering me:
Is that what life is all about?
You make more money. Then what?
You buy something you wanted. Then what?
You achieve something. Then there is another thing to achieve.
At some point I had an almost ridiculously simple realization.
How much ever money I make, at the end of the day all I need is a roti/dal, dosa/idli.
Obviously, I am simplifying it. We need a house, security, healthcare and many other things. Money is important.
But the point is that our actual needs have a limit.
Our wants don't.
That realization didn't make me renounce anything. It just made me question where I was looking for fulfillment.
And that started the journey inward.
Inward
Around this time, a friend made a timely suggestion that introduced me to the teachings of Ramana Maharshi.
His central question was extraordinarily simple:
Who am I?
Not: What should I accomplish?
Not: How much should I make?
Not: What should other people think about me?
Not even: How do I become a better person?
But:
Who is the "I" experiencing all of this?
That question changes the direction of attention.
For most of my life, my attention had been pointing outward.
Ramana pointed it inward.
And the more I started looking inward, the less interesting some of the external noise became.
Silence
Which brings me to where I seem to be now.
Silence.
I don't mean that I have stopped living.
I still meet people. I go to an occasional social gathering. I play golf. I work on things that interest me. I enjoy conversations. Sometimes I become completely outward focused again.
But underneath all of that, I increasingly crave silence.
I don't feel the need for as many phone calls.
I don't feel that every empty hour needs to be filled.
I don't need something constantly happening.
There is something very peaceful about simply being quiet.
And I have started realizing that there is an important difference between silence and withdrawal.
Withdrawal says:
"I don't want the world."
Silence says:
"I don't need the world to constantly occupy my mind."
I think I am experiencing more of the second.
Self
There is another subtle realization here.
It would be very easy for me to turn this inward journey into yet another goal.
First I chased career and money.
Then experiences.
Now spirituality.
And perhaps next I start chasing "enlightenment."
Same mind. Different object.
That would almost be funny.
Ramana's teaching, as I understand it, points somewhere else.
The Self isn't something I have to acquire.
Think about it.
When I was completely outward focused, I was aware of those experiences.
When I started questioning life, I was aware of those questions.
When I discovered Ramana, I was aware.
When I sit quietly today, I am aware.
Everything else changed.
But that which is aware of the change has always been there.
Maybe that is the real journey.
Not becoming something new.
But recognizing what was always there.
And Then Back Outward
Interestingly, I don't think this means the final destination is sitting alone somewhere doing nothing.
Life continues.
I can go to dinner.
I can play golf.
I can build a business.
I can make money.
I can travel.
I can help someone.
I can laugh with friends.
The difference is becoming clearer to me:
Outward activity doesn't have to mean outward dependence.
I can participate in life without expecting life to provide something that perhaps cannot be found externally.
That also connects with another principle I have increasingly come to believe:
I intentionally want to be useful and helpful. Else, do nothing.
I don't have to constantly manufacture activity.
When there is something useful to do, do it.
When someone can be helped, help.
When there is nothing that needs doing, perhaps silence is perfectly fine.
And underneath all of it is another idea that has become increasingly important to me:
I am not the Doer.
Everything that has happened thus far has happened by the Lord's grace.
Why should I suddenly believe that everything moving forward depends entirely upon me?
So perhaps life, at least for me, has been moving something like this:
Outward → dissatisfaction → questioning → inward → silence → Self.
And maybe eventually even that sequence disappears.
There is just life.
Sometimes outward.
Sometimes inward.
Sometimes noisy.
Sometimes silent.
Things happen.
I participate.
I try to be useful.
And increasingly, I try to remember to ask:
Who is the "I" to whom all of this is happening?
Maybe the simplest way I can express where I am today is this:
The body needs very little.
The mind wants endlessly.
The Self needs nothing.